There is a light that never goes out

I like Alex. He’s sweet. And he’s funny. And open. Curious. Interesting.

And still not over Sara. I know I should feel guilty for what happened Saturday, but I don’t. I was happy. I am happy.You know when you meet someone and you feel connected to them instantly? It can happen in a friendly way or in a romantic way or in a deep soul kind of way. Or in all three.

I can’t help that, can I? If I get a little too drunk and indulge my feelings, I can’t really help that either. But I should. I should, because I love Sara so much. And Sara and I have that connection too.

I’m just so sick of timing. Timing is everything. Everything. And it really sucks. If I’d have met Alex first, if Sara wouldn’t have gotten serious with him, if they’d have ended peacefully instead of with heartbreak.

Even if it were moral to have something with Alex after that…he loves her. I can tell that. And I deserve to be the loved, not the rebound. I really, truly believe I deserve that. So why do I continue putting myself last? I let Julio call me whenever he pleases. I play along with Chuck’s sex innuendos in the hallway. I mean, let’s be real, I had sex the second weekend I was here. I let Ilya fool me. I knew he couldn’t have cared for me that quickly, and I let him do it anyway. AND I DON’T KNOW WHY. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I’m not stupid. I’m not a slut. I’m not a co-dependent little girl. But ever since I moved, I’ve just really fucked myself up emotionally in every way possible. I can’t even tell if I’m doing it on purpose. I just wish my subconscious would let me in on all the disaster that’s been going on the past four months.

Overflowing with love and creativity and positivity. And no outlet. No passion. I can’t remember for the life of me why I’m paying $50,000 for a piece of paper. I really really can’t remember. I’ve never felt so alone and uncomfortable and confused in my own head. I want and I want and I want. All I do is want, but I don’t know what.

Lost. Not wandering. Just fucking lost.

Insane how much leaving home can fuck a person up.

Randoms gone from facebook, negative tweets deleted, negative people unfollowed.

On my way to breaking weird social networking addiction. My soul needs it.

I was going to make this post an outline for all the changes I wanted, but I just realized it all boils down to living in love, and you can’t really make a million lists and goals for that can you? You just sort of have to do it.

Anyway, I feel really really good. I’d like to welcome myself back to my secret personal tumblr where I can throw all my thoughts out into the Universe and nobody can find me.

Laundry, organizing, shower, find cool outfit, dance the night away with friends. And I think (I hope) I’ll see Julio tonight. Today’s a good good day.